You Probably Won’t Achieve Your New Year's Resolutions

Abbie Giles

January 21, 2021

Have you really been going to the gym every day? Probably not. Everyone sets these arbitrary goals for themselves to achieve through the new year, and no one talks about failing to achieve them. It is important to understand what makes a goal achievable, and I have compiled a little list of them here. So let’s all relish in our acceptance of fate and laugh at those who are too naive to realize theirs.

1) Start being more positive
Being more positive is going to take some serious turnaround in your life and way of thinking. If you want to take on this task, hopefully, this year will give you more to be positive about. But for real, this is a dumb goal. Don’t do it. It’ll just lead to you thinking negatively about your failure to achieve your goal of being more positive. Hah.

2) Exercise more/Lose weight
Seriously, if you’re going to make yourself new year's resolutions, why be so basic? And you know you have this on the top of your list year after year after year. It’s just getting sad at this point. An alternative that I recommend (and one that I’m working on) is loving your sausage-looking body for how it is.

3) Travel more
Funny Joke. This year, this shouldn’t be on anyone’s list.

4) Save more/Spend less
I have a moral opposition to these two. Although it’s not a bad idea, why not take advantage of something that we CAN do while at home, shielding ourselves from that pesky ol’ Coronavirus: shop excessively online for things that you don’t need. Named 2020’s official pass time, this bank account draining activity can heal any wound. Mental, not physical. Don’t try that… please. Should I get a lawyer?

5) Improve Punctuality
This is one that’s DEFINITELY on my personal list, even though I know I’m not going to accomplish it. I’m consistently late, so honestly, why can’t people plan to accommodate me and my fellow oversleepers? Here’s a plan: tell me that class starts 5 to 10 minutes before it actually does, and I will probably end up getting there on time. But for real, what can I say? Sometimes I really just need my medium iced caramel cold brew with oat milk in the mornings. Is that a crime? In some situations, yes.

On another note, I HIGHLY suggest choosing resolutions that you can actually measure. It’ll keep you from kicking yourself when you realize you have no real way to know if you accomplished your goal or not. In a world full of stress and drama, this is the least you can do for yourself.